A single cold line on the pregnancy test, like a verdict from the King of Hell's court, under the eerie glow of the light, declared my fate: childless for life.
Last time with IVF, I had countless injections and failed countless times.
Japan, Shanghai, New York, Hong Kong.
I didn't cry. Three years' worth of tears had long since dried up in the nightmares that came at four in the morning.
Mechanically, she tossed the pregnancy test into the toilet and flushed it away.
That white vortex, like the River of Oblivion beneath the Bridge of Forgetfulness, swept my hopes into the darkness.
Just then, my husband's phone lit up.
His friend sent him a message:
"She's too old. If she can't have kids, you'd better find a younger woman to bear you an heir."
I stared at the line of text, and suddenly a burning sensation gripped my chest.
These days, the air between us has long been sucked dry by the word "infertility."
I really don't have time.
This phrase is like a spell.
At thirty-six, my ovaries, uterus... those cold, clinical numbers from the doctors,
Countless times I cried at the clinic.
Like the iron chains of karma, they bind me tight.
Anxiety, like constipation, feels like a heavy weight.
Early morning.
Suddenly, a LINE message popped up—a link my mom had sent:
Lao Fo Ye. He specializes in guiding children's souls.
I clicked it open, and though I'd been dismissive, I muttered under my breath: "Damn superstition!"
Yet a single sentence struck me like a dagger:
"Children are souls who come to repay kindness. If there is no karmic connection, they would not come."
A faint tremor stirred in some corner of my heart.
The next day, I followed the address and arrived at the Chenggong Buddhist Hall.
Sunlight streamed through the window cracks, dust swirled, and the scent of sandalwood lingered.
Lao Fo Ye is younger than I imagined.
His eyes, however, were like ancient wells—unfathomably deep.
"Your soul is filled with dark, ashen shadows."
The moment the words left his mouth, I completely broke down.
Three years of fear, anxiety, and guilt burst forth like a flood breaking through a dam.
"I'm scared..." I cried, trembling.
"I'm afraid I'll never be qualified to be a mother in this lifetime..."
Teacher Chen stared at me as if she could see through the cracks in the depths of my soul.
The source of your life has been sealed by fear.
First, we'll arrange some fertility rituals to dispel the lingering spirits one by one. Only then will the child know you're waiting for them.
The First Ceremony: Repaying Pregnancy Debts The Second Ceremony: Guanyin Prayer for Fertility Blessings
Lao Fo Ye me: My emptiness isn't merely a medical issue, but a debt owed to the spirit of the child.
To open the womb's door, one must repay the debt.
He prepared yellow talismans inscribed with magical symbols.
Three "spirit lamps" flickered on the table.
I kneel down, Stick by stick, Inserting incense into the bronze burner, As the smoke curls and swirls,
Suddenly, it felt like countless little hands were tugging at my back.
"Recite."
I trembled as I recited:
Homage to the Great Compassionate Avalokiteshvara Bodhisattva, Deliver all departed infant spirits, Dissolve karmic resentments from past lives, Release attachments, And return to the light.
Every time I think of it, the sound of a child's crying echoes in my ears.
The lights gradually stabilized.
Lao Fo Ye, "They're listening. Their resentment is receding."
Following this, plain rice porridge and fruit are offered—a meal to nourish the souls of those never born.
Finally, she lit a "welcoming lamp."
"Light it with sincerity, and it will illuminate the path through the underworld, guiding a destined soul to reincarnate."
At that moment, my heart ached as if a black chain had snapped.
From then on, I lit lamps, offered water, and chanted sutras night after night.
Every month, I took it three times a day with meals and also used fertility oil.
Lao Fo Ye Ye's successive Guanyin reincarnation ceremonies, I gradually gained clarity about the future world.
I know this is my last hope.
In my dream, the child gradually stopped crying and wailing, instead watching me quietly.
Until one night, a child reached out with a smile and called out to me:
"Mom."
As the days passed, I began to feel a difference from the past.
And began to repent for past youthful selfishness,
Now I finally understand what everyone says: the earlier you have children, the better.
Teacher Chen has once again performed feng shui adjustments on our master bedroom.
Suddenly, I felt like I'd become a mother.
The miracle didn't happen right away. But I believe Teacher Chen will help me.
But my relationship with my husband has gotten even better.
We talked a lot—about our hopes, and also about our fears. What if we really are the last of our kind?
Just go travel the world and spend all your money.
Come back to Taiwan when you're old to enjoy the national health insurance.
Later, when Teacher Chen felt the time was right, he had six more cycles of desire oils custom-made for us.
Liberate the soulful communion between men and women, achieving a dual cultivation of spiritual experience.
It helps attract pure energy, so go for it.
That night
Amidst the tidal waves of breath, I sensed a strange energy bursting through the roof, soaring straight to the heavens.
As if to summon back that long-awaited soul.
Two months later
Two bright red lines on the pregnancy test.
I'm pregnant.
I know this is not a triumph of medicine.
Life has chosen me once again.
Teacher Chen often says
Children are not "manufactured."
Children are the grace of souls choosing their parents.
And I, too, was reborn once more amidst this hellish torment of anxiety and fear.
